Chapter 2

He scooped up both our pairs of shoes with one hand, keeping hold of my hand with his other. I sat down on the log near my pack, and he dropped our shoes, and gracefully collapsed to his knees at my feet, searching my face his brow furrowed, not understanding. I took a deep breath. “I feel... I... I am completely overwhelmed!” I had trouble forming my thoughts into words. “I’m not sure what’s going on. I... you... it’s all too much!” I finished in a rush. I put my head in my hands, covering my eyes, shaking my head.  My bandaged hand stung fiercely, but it didn’t matter. It was all much too good to be true. It didn’t seem real.

Cool fingers tenderly pried mine off my face and as I looked at him, I knew I was on the verge of tears. “I’m confused. None of this makes any sense.” A single tear ran down my cheek. He brushed it away, tilting his head to the side as he moved his face closer. “I know. I think I feel the same. I keep trying to figure out what is happening...” He paused. “From the moment I saw you, I was drawn to you. You are completely yourself, open and honest, and I find you completely disarming. I’m saying things I can’t believe I am saying, I am behaving irrationally and I can’t seem to stop myself. I just would never...” 


I felt much calmer, more centered, realizing he felt confused as well... I took another deep breath. “Can we just... slow down?” He exhaled a long breath; he must have been holding it waiting for my response. “Yes. Please. Yes. We can.”

“I’d like to walk down the beach to those rocks.” It was why I came here. I was jamming my shoes and socks into my pack, and after a glance at him, I stuck his in as well. He offered his hand and pulled me up. “Let’s go.” He smiled. We walked in comfortable silence side by side near the water, occasional waves washing over our bare feet. We came to a stream coming out of the woods spilling across the sand into the sea. It was even colder than the ocean, and we both shivered as we stepped across quickly. My knee was improving as we walked, the swelling was down, the pain subsiding. We reached the rocks, and I gingerly picked my way to the top, and saw what I had come for. Yes! I started framing a few shots as he came up and stopped dead in his tracks.

A whoosh of breath escaped him as he took in the view. Before us lay the next beach, not as protected as the one we left, and the waves were crashing with great force onto the huge rocks and tiny treed islands jutted out past the point. Our hair whipped around our heads as the force of the wind was much greater here. I took over a dozen pictures, trying to capture the highest wave crashing displays. I saw this next stretch of beach was rockier and less sandy, while noticing my feet were  becoming sore just standing on the rough rock beneath me. I thought of my knee, my hand, and my confused state. I realized I needed to get back to the truck, use my first aid kit, and probably rest and ice my knee if I was to continue hiking all week.

I wondered what to do. Invite him? Gee how exciting, hey do you wanna watch me ice my knee? I chuckled under my breath as I continued to click the shutter. Well? Mmm... Later? Dinner? What? What about after dinner? Where was this going? What am I thinking? Who knows. I guess I will let him decide...
 “Hey... uh. I was thinking I should probably rest my knee and get some antibiotic cream on my hand...” I gave him a sad smile.

He came closer and stood in front of me, blocking most of the wind. A huge rush of his scent hit me and I breathed deeply. His face twisted. “I was wondering... I am... This is awkward. And embarrassing...” I wondered what was coming next. I’m married? I’m over whatever was happening? What? Spit it out! 
I jumped in. “No, it’s fine. I should go. I need to go.” I said it with such finality I surprised myself. Well, maybe I could save him from having to confess whatever awkward embarrassing thing he was going to tell me. Besides, I didn’t want to hear it. I instantly realized why this was all too good to be true. He was married. Everything he had said earlier clicked into place. “oh. .. okay... of course.” He said quietly, looking at the ground. He looked up again. What was that look?!

Sadness? Fear? Hurt? Shame? I couldn’t place it. I felt a tiny tug at my heart, but I took it as a sign to go. I turned slowly. His hand was feather light on my arm for a split second, hesitating, then  he quickly withdrew it and held it tight at his side.

I started down the rocks, and as I reached the bottom, I swung my pack off, unzipping it and pulling out his boots, the socks still stuffed inside. “I’m sorry. This is weird, I know... I just... have to go now.” I said as sat on a log and pulled on my socks and shoes. He sat a ways away doing the same. “I... I understand.” He said softly, not looking at me. I felt a tiny wave of anger. How could he? Why? I tried hard to let it go. I stood, pulled on my pack and arranged my camera. “Thank you very much for saving me, and ruining your shirt, and... How can I put this... confusing the hell out of me.” Wow, shit. I guess I was angry. That was mean. He saved your ass more than once, and you return the favour with accusations. “I mean, oh shit! I don’t know. It was really nice to meet you Daniel.” I turned away, not waiting for a reply.

I made it to the stairs, my knee feeling hot and painful, and looked up and sighed. This was going to hurt. My stupid knee did not like climbing stairs, and I knew as I climbed that it would feel like bone painfully scraping bone with every step. Sure enough, as I reached the top step, it was pure agony. I stopped to catch my breath and rubbed my knee vigorously as if it could help. Three painful kilometres later, I was at my truck. I climbed in. Without warning, tears welled up in my eyes, and soon I was crying in earnest. My knee hurt so damn much, my hand throbbed, and I was not sure if I would be confined to my cabin for the rest of the week. Yet much of my sudden upset was because of him. Why? Why would someone play games like that? I know most people are not as open and gullible as I am. Most would have figured it out before it went anywhere. I guess I was mad at myself for falling for it. What an idiot – as usual.

I opened the car door to pull in the piece of camera strap caught in the door in my hurry, not noticing that the quick whoosh of air caused my cabins' brochure to be sucked out the door from the floor behind my seat. I put my camera securely in the passenger seat only to look up to see Daniel coming out of the trees toward the parking lot. Shit! I started the FJ, and Nine Inch Nails blasted out of the speakers at full volume. Shit! Shit! I pushed the stereo button off, threw it in reverse, whipped my head around and backed out of the spot. As I put it in drive, I looked straight into the sad pained look on Daniel’s face I could not indentify clearly earlier. He was only a dozen feet away, moving towards a classic dark green Toyota FJ40. Oh –perfect! He has a vehicle like mine. Only the cool classic original version.

He looked right at me, right through me. I twisted my head sideways as if in pain yeah, I was in pain! I felt embarrassed of my red, tear-stained face. I shook my head, trying to collect myself, and smiled a sad, slow smile at him before I pressed the gas pedal and drove past him slowly. I couldn’t help but continue to watch him as I passed by, and I saw his chest heave with what looked like a big sigh. Was his face wet? What the?! I could have sworn that as the light hit the side of his face I saw moisture on his cheek. No. Trick of the light. I brushed the thought away quickly. He might have worked up a sweat on the hike. Yeah, probably...

I drove along in silence, not bothering to turn the stereo back on, not wanting to think anything right now. My throbbing knee and hand took some of my attention and I concentrated on the pain. Yes. Feel it. Hurt! I still felt a pang of guilt at the words I spoke. It was unlike me to lash out at anyone. Shit! As much as I tried not to think about it, I could not stop myself. I angrily turned the stereo back on and the subwoofer kicked into gear as its bass thrummed through my body, soothing away the anger coursing through me. A new song came on – Alicia Keys – crooning- ‘Oh Oh, I... never felt this way’ Anger gave way to sadness and I cried the rest of the way back to the cabin. I pulled the FJ up and slid out, taking my gear with me, and rushed to the cabin door, unlocking it, dropping my gear in the chair, slamming the door and flying to the bed. I buried my face in the pillow and sobbed. What is wrong with me? I choked, sputtered, and continued sobbing into the pillow. After a few minutes, it subsided, and I sat up, completely drained of tears and emotions.

Independent, self-sufficient, happy, laid back, these words I normally used to describe myself did not fit anymore. I mean, I am an emotional creature, hell, I cry at some songs or movies for no reason at all, and if an animal gets injured in a movie, I’m practically inconsolable. But this? A few hours spent with a stranger, feeling drawn to everything about him, and believing he was feeling the same crazy way towards me... and I was very wrong.

I have been wrong before, I’ve projected myself on to others countless times, so I needed to stop this and get over it. It’s over. You were mean. What about him? Wasn’t he meaner for leading you on? I sighed deeply, suddenly craving coffee. Strong, rich, creamy coffee is always a saviour in my times of upset.

I sat out on the deck, sipping the hot soothing brew, inhaling the aroma and feeling its warmth slide down my throat. Calmness enveloped me as I placed the steaming mug on the railing and took a long drag of my cigarette. I was surprised, as I normally did not feel any need for tobacco while enjoying the outdoors, but I’d been so upset by the day’s events, pulling out all my comfort tricks to settle myself.  The ice pack stung on my knee and palm as I sat with my palm pressed firmly on the pack draped across my leg. I looked at the plaid shirtsleeve I re-used to wrap my hand after a good cleaning and sterile gauze application. The wound had been deep and I purposely made it bleed again to help clean it out. My eyebrows creased as I remembered him standing there, without one sleeve, his strong arm that had saved me exposed and... Stop it. I chided myself for continuing the self-torture. I butted my smoke and went back inside, putting the ice pack back in the freezer, picking up a book and flopping on to the bed.

I woke up disoriented, searching the ceiling, slow realization dawned I was in a cabin in Ucluelet - my favourite place. A vague remembrance of the day’s events crept back in and these things seemed distant, as if it had only been a dream... I sat up slowly, feeling my hand and knee throb in unison. It was sunset and I realized I was starving. I retrieved my bent book from beneath my arm and placed it back on the nightstand, and opened the fridge to see what I could make to eat. I munched on a cheese and salami sandwich as I repacked my bag with a fleece jacket, a granola bar, and topped it off with my camera.

I pulled on a vest, grabbed my keys and climbed into the FJ. I headed to the parking lot of the Wild Pacific trail, just a few kilometres south of my cabin. I should get some good sunset views from here, I thought blandly as I pulled on my pack and headed towards the lighthouse. Mmm... Where’s the usual me? I felt empty, void of feelings. I shrugged it off, and made my way along the trail, feeling sturdy on my knee and my mood brightened at the thought that hiking was going to be fine. I hadn’t ruined my knee completely.

I gradually felt better and better as I walked, stopping for pictures, or to sit on a bench, feeling lighter as time went by.  The sky darkened as dusk approached, it was still a couple of kilometres before I completed the loop back to my truck. The air was still, the trail was silent and deserted as it wound along the rocky coast through the woods. A raven’s guttural cry broke the silence, and I stopped to locate the direction.

I heard a fast woosh woosh woosh of wings as a huge raven gracefully flew overhead, near enough for me to see his majestic black head turn as he focused his vision on me briefly. Whoa. I shivered. I felt a tingle at the thought of a raven looking at me. Me. I wondered what ravens thought of humans, wondered if they knew the depth of wonder I felt at this moment watching him. I wondered if ravens thought at all…. Oh there I go, projecting again, anthropomorphising creatures as if they had the ability to think human thoughts.  Silly me. I wondered how it might feel to touch his feathers, to feel the smooth power of him beneath my hand. I sighed and he was gone, out towards a small offshore island, probably to find a place to spend the night. I shivered again, this time from a cool chill, and pulled my fleece out of my back pack.

When I got back to the cabin it was fully dark, I went straight to the kitchenette before turning on any lights, and turned on the kettle to make another cup of coffee. I turned back towards the door and saw something white on the floor under the door sill. ? I walked over, and picked up a folded sheet of paper, and as I did, the cabin brochure slipped out and drifted down. It had my writing on it where I scribbled my cabin number and the dates I planned to stay. What the?! I slowly unfolded the paper in my hand... in neat, small printing I read;

Alexis,

The brochure must have fallen out of your truck. I found it after you drove away, and I’m afraid I followed the map and saw your truck and ... I apologize for invading your privacy further, but I can’t help it. I don’t know what I did or said to push you away. I don’t know what happened today, meeting you and completely losing myself. I have never met anyone like you. I obviously frightened you with my inexcusable behaviour, and for that too, I apologize. I feel terribly embarrassed at how I acted. I tried to explain, but as I began to say the words, I knew it sounded unbelievable, and cheesy.

All I know is I continue to feel drawn to you, and I didn’t want you to leave. I wanted to stay near you, be with you. I thought when we agreed to slow down, it would be alright, I could find a way to... 

I realize I sound like a stalker. I don’t blame you for wanting to get away from me. When I was trying to tell you... when I said it was awkward... what I was too embarrassed to say... I wanted to tell you I didn’t want you to leave! I was trying to figure out how I could stay near you, but anything I could say would have sounded stupid, would have sounded like I was a mad man. Now I am following you to your cabin and leaving you notes. None of this is helping my case I know, but please, please know I never meant to frighten you, or to push you away.

I promise I will not trouble you again.

I wanted to apologize, and I have to tell you, you are the most mysterious, beautiful, wonderful creature I have ever encountered. Words cannot adequately describe you or my feelings of today. I will never forget our day together, never forget your smile...

Daniel

I collapsed to the floor. 


What?! What did I do? Ass-u-me. Yes. It was true, he had felt the same as I did, was as confused as I was, felt embarrassed as I did... oh – my-  god... something happened today that just doesn’t happen, and yet... yet it did happen today, two people met, and felt an incredible, impossible, wonderful connection which made them both act out of character. And of course it was awkward and confusing. Of course neither could trust what was happening, I don’t know what was happening. I assumed when he said he had something awkward and embarrassing to say... he was taken, married, gay or something. Because I didn’t want to trust how I felt, how he might feel. Something real was happening. I grasped for an excuse not to... not to trust, not to believe. Hot tears splattered the paper in my hand.

As the weight of my utter stupidity crashed in on me, I recalled all I had learned, and realized I’d not thought of any of it during this day. I have spent many years trying to understand the human condition, trying to grasp what the meaning of life might be, what my purpose was.  With all the research and reading I had done, I made the connection and came to the conclusion all the different teachers and philosophers were all saying the same thing in different ways. Everything that happens to you is directly related to how you are feeling, and what you are thinking. You can go through life complaining and unhappy, and continue to be surrounded by things and events keep you complaining and unhappy. Most people find a middle ground, where they are mostly happy, but still have much unpleasantness in their life, and they have no idea why or how to rid themselves of it. 
Although I learned many and varied techniques and exercises to help me to find my way to ‘enlightenment’, there was still a large part of me that dismissed these notions.

As I came across clues and hints that completely resonated with me, and I knew them to be true and worthy of putting into practise, I still felt stuck in my ways, making changing seem impossible. I had changed though. I’d gone from being fearful of many things, feeling victimized and justified as I lashed out in anger and self righteousness - to accepting I created all of that in my life to try and explain the trauma I experienced as a young woman. I’d given my power away, giving in to fear and anger, but over time I learned to take my power back, to take responsibility for how I felt, and I lived a much more joyful life because of it. No other person was responsible for how I felt. It was only how I interpreted events and people that caused my reaction and emotions. I realized I completely reverted to my old way of thinking today. Instead of interpreting the events of today as something directly related to my feeling of utter freedom, love and joy at the beginning of the day, of course it was the ideal mood to be in, the perfect wavelength to be on, to run into a man who seemed to be everything I ever wished for. How could I have missed it? I understood now. It was all too good to be true, that’s why. I still didn’t feel worthy; even after all my hard work at changing my thought processes.

I sighed, my tears dry and composure in place, trying hard not to be angry with myself, and realized thirty years of negative conditioning could not be undone in a few short years of practise. What now?  There was no way I could ever contact him. All I knew was his first name.